My hair got tangled today

My hair got tangled in the shower this morning.

Normally - or, former normally - this would be annoying. I have very curly hair, and tangled, wet curls are a pain in the ass. But today... today I broke down and cried. Not because it was tangled, but because IT WAS TANGLED!!! Just when I was mid-frown at the knot that had formed, I stopped and gasped at the realization: I finally have enough hair to get tangled while it's being drowsily shampooed. 

If you've never lost your hair for reasons out of your control, this reaction probably makes no sense. But for those of you who have lost your hair, especially to chemo while fighting breast cancer, you get why this is such a big deal. For many women, our hair is our crown, a shiny, bouncy, sexy visual reminder of all that is awesome about being a woman. To lose it in addition to losing another badge of one's feminine wiles - one's breasts - is just another cruel blow in a pretty shitty fight.

That I even have this much hair almost a year to the day after finishing TCHP (the heavy duty neoadjuvant chemo I was on last year) is amazing. Granted, it's not growing in as much as it should be at the top and in the center, forcing me to take creative measures to go out in public without a hat or wig (yay, headbands!). But I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a ton of hair already. My baby fro is adorable even with the sparse areas, and the curls are as lush and thick as I remember.

I just didn't think I already had enough for it to get tangled, y'know?

The best part? The tangle was ON THE TOP!!! It may be totally different hair from what's on the rest of my head (fine and practically straight), but apparently it's now strong enough and long enough to bring me to tears. I even had to wrap it in a towel because it takes forever to dry now!

I'll have some grumblings later this summer, I'm sure. And having hair will make getting through reconstruction surgery recovery a little... interesting (I may cut it around that time if it's gotten too big, just to make things easier).

But I hope that next year, when my arms get tired from diffusing, or I start going through conditioner like water and need to set aside a few hours for hair maintenance, rather than rubbing a towel over my head once and calling it a day; or when it just gets too damn hot and I want to pull my hair as far away from my face as possible - I hope that I remember this morning's shower cry. I hope I feel the same waves of emotion I felt as I let out huge, whooping sobs just because I had a knot at the top of my head.

I hope I always, always remember what it's like to see life through new eyes, and appreciate even its tiny annoyances. Because even if they're irritating, they're what makes life real and 3D, not flat and unremarkable. I get to be annoyed. Yeah, I'll have things to say about it, but I consider it a privilege now.